Thursday, March 17, 2011

You Know Me

I want to tell you about the entire embryo adoption process, how it works, the paperwork, choosing a family and how I processed  my emotions through it, but for right now, I need to skip forward to now.  About 2 months ago, we were matched with a precious family excited to adopt our embryos.  God's hand has been all over this process and it really has been amazing to watch his glory shine through.  I am humbled and amazed at how much I can see God in the life of this sweet family.  Really, that was my only criteria....I needed to see God in their lives and I do---so much.  I can say with full confidence that these embryos are meant to be with this family.  God has confirmed it over and over.  They will forever be a part of my family and I will love them humbly from afar.  I call them family because whether we ever meet or not, whether children are born or not, we are spiritually bound together as believers in Christ. We are walking in faith together, even though we have never met.  I don't know if we will ever meet.  What I do know is, God is writing this story and if it is His will, maybe one day we will meet.  If that day comes, I can only imagine how beautiful it will be.  I am genuinely excited for our forever family and what is to come for them as they expand their family.  I pray for them often and will continue for the rest of my life.   I can not even put into words how much they mean to me.  They value these lives as much as I do and there are no words to thank them enough.  Hopefully holding a baby will be a start.

The final paperwork for the adoption has been complete for a couple of weeks.  I have wanted to write about it, but was having a hard time.  Not really sure what I was feeling because the range of emotion was from east to west.  So.Many.Emotions.  Please know that I am truly happy with the process, but I am realizing that it is also a process for me.  I have seen the legal contact, the signatures of all four of us, the notary, etc.  The adoption was final a couple of weeks ago, but on Tuesday I received an email from the adoption agency.  They confirmed that the 6 embryos were moved to our forever family's clinic.

This was the final step.

I was not prepared for how I would feel or the tears that would fall.  I have loved these embryos since they were created.  I have spent years of trying to decide what to do.  YEARS!  Almost 8!  That is a long time. I could not even count how many times I have prayed for these embryos and God's plan for them.  Years of prayers, years of tears, years of uncertainty, years of molding and changing myself (by the grace of God),  and years of God preparing me for this moment.  I did not expect to be sad.  I did not expect to run into my husband's arms and cry like I had lost a family member, but that is exactly what I did.  I cried and cried and cried some more.  I cry as I write these words, but what is beautiful about our Holy God is that He can take your sadness and turn it into joy.  As I cried on my husbands shoulder, I knew-- while he was doing a great job at comforting me---he would never comfort me the way only God could.  So I thanked him for being a shoulder and for understanding and I went to my quiet place, in my closet, to spend time with God.  I knew that only He could help me decipher all that I was feeling.

Have you ever felt so much emotion that you could not even put it into words?  

That was me, in my closet with God.  I did not know what to say so I just sat still---intentionally, for God.  It is my way of showing Him that I know He is in control.  Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God."  Eventually I was able to pray for peace and for Him to reconfirm my purpose in all of this.  He has shown me over and over that I have a purpose in this story.  Why I ever doubt, I will never know?  The things God does and continues to do in my life---blows me out of the water!  Thank you Lord!

So after spending some time with God, I immediately felt better.  The sadness was not gone, but it was much better.  I was able to continue through my day trusting His plan for my life and this process. 

Fast forward to Wednesday afternoon, Gage & Grayson are doing swim lessons this week at our local pool.  There are 5 kids doing the lessons and they all started on Monday.  I don't really know the other moms too well, but we have seen each other around the neighborhood.  Our conversation is mostly small talk or cheering on each others kids.  As I was drying off Gage & Grayson at the completion of their lesson, another mom asked, after she realized that the boys were twins, if twins ran in our family.  This is a question I get ALL the time.  Sometimes I just say no and change the subject, sometimes I say, "no, we did IVF" and sometimes I say, "No, we did infertility."  When I heard the question, I literally asked myself how I should answer.  I was kind-of raw from the day before so just saying NO and moving on would have been an easy choice.  I was not really wanting to talk about IVF so I choose the infertility choice.  Clearly God had other plans because as soon as she heard my answer, she said, "So did I."  That answer led to many more questions getting to know more about what we both went through and before I knew it, I was telling her that I just completed the process of adopting our remaining embryos.  As I shared my story, she proceeded to tell me that she also had embryos and it was something that she has been struggling with for years.  If you did not get that---she has embryos.  We were both in AWE of our conversation and the depth we shared in just a few minutes.  Our random conversation at our kids swim lessons was no coincidence.  It was divinely inspired and such a confirmation of my purpose in this whole process.  You know I prayed for that yesterday!!!  God has asked me over and over to share my story---that is my purpose.  While my new friend, is not quite ready to adopt out her embryos, she knows that it is a pending decision in her life.  And she now knows someone who has gone through the process.  To my new friend---I am sure you might read this---I want you to know that am here for you if you decide to walk down this unchartered territory.  God is good.  He has easily turned my tears of sadness to tears of joy.  He has confirmed my purpose in all of this and if you need anymore to convince you---read this excerpt from my devotional this morning.  Oh the tears flowed, but now out of complete AWE of how great our God really is.

3/17/2011 - Jesus Calling
"When no one else seems to understand you, simply draw closer to Me.  Rejoice in the One who understands you completely and loves you perfectly.  As I fill you with My Love, you become a reservoir of love, overflowing into the lives of other people."  

Psalm 139:1-4
O Lord, you have searched me and you know me,
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.


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